I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
my poor anus
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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