You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
