I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
