The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
A+ Viking dick
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
