JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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