she woke up with a sticky ear
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Alive.
So much puke
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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