Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
