im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I'm really busy with my period
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
