just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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