I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
