After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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