Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
