it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
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