I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
