I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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