my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
