who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
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