I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
