Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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