You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
and she was petting her beer can
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
