Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
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