apparently the secret to your success is patron
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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