A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
