They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
