you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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