he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
