He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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