roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
