And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
