chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
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