3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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