here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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