don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Randomize
