The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
