I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
