i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
