y did u give ur computer a hand job?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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