Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
