I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Use "feeling words"
Yay
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Randomize
