I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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