So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
