all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
You ruined the universe
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
