Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
