I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
