The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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