No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
