if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
