Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
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