I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
