woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
