Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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