there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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