We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
