There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
