I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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