I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
