I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
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