Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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