birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
