I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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