Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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