This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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