someone threw a dead crab at me
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
